January 13, 2004 was CD 1 of our first official TTC cycle.** I was still 29 years old…but only by months. By this time, I had been off of birth control pills for 2-3 cycles and K and I had been married for just over 3 years. Even today as I type this, I can remember my excitement with beginning my cycle that month. I had read up and done some research about TTC and thought that I had it all planned out. Both K and I knew what we needed to do and when we needed to do it. Besides, how bad could this project be? I mean, worst case scenario, we were just gonna be doin’ it all the time, right?
We spent that year working very hard at baby-making! K and I spoke of baby names, plans, and dreams. But, by the middle of the year, I began getting a little anxious. Of course, I had not heard of anyone in my family with any fertility troubles, so I was sure that I had nothing to worry about. By this point, I had already begun charting my BBT and beginning to figure out what my cycle actually looked like on paper (well online, actually). In June, when I went to the doctor for my annual girlie-checkup, I brought a printout of all of my charts. I wanted to show her that we had been very accurate with our BD-ing and that after this amount of time, we should be pregnant! Her immediate response was ”you and K are still young and you have plenty of time. Keep trying and if after a year you have been unsuccessful, I will refer you to a reproductive endocrinologist. Until then, keep up the good work. Oh, and if you are really looking for something more to do, you can try the ovulation tests that you urinate on.”
I promptly went and bought stock in ClearBlue Easy. Just kidding. However, I think that from that day forward, the lady at Walgreens thought I had OCD and peeing on an ovulation stick was part of my thing!
As you guessed, 2004 came and went and we were unable to conceive. Again, with the start of my cycle in January 2005, I was excited again. I could just feel it. This was the year that we were going to concieve and I was sure that we would do it before I turned 31. As soon as possible, I scheduled a visit with my doctor. She finally agreed to give me a referral to a local RE. We scheduled the first consultation appointment available, which wasn’t for a month or so. Finally, in March, after I turned 31, we had our first visit with Dr. Kim at FPNC. Almost immediately, we began testing. Oodles of testing…which continued until July.
August 13, 2005 was our first IUI. We found out that it failed on August 26th. Four months in a row, we went through this drill. Me, running to the doctor’s office to be monitored on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. K rushing in on the day of the IUI to leave his deposit (hoping that he didn’t run into the nurse receptionist that reminded him of his mother). And, I would rush back in a few hours later for the insemination. By the time that these four attempts failed, it was almost Christmas. We decided to wait until after the holidays to figure out how to proceed, all the while, still continuing TTC the old fashioned way.
January of 2006 wasn’t so bright in our minds. We knew that we were headed towards IVF. In May of 2006, we began to prepare for IVF. First, I had to drop a few pounds. I was required to do this before they would move forward with IVF. Begrudgingly, I joined Weight Watchers and met my goal…something that I have only done for my unborn/unconcieved child. So, we were allowed to move forward with IVF.
It began with a month of birth control pills to regulate my cycle. Then, a month of injections to prepare my body hormonally. Finally, on July 25, 2006 the Egg Retrieval day finally came. They sedated me and retrieved 7 of my mature eggs. We really had hoped for more, but the doctor said that the eggs were perfect and mature and that we should absolutely be pleased. Three days later, the embryo transfer. They implanted 2 perfectly formed 8-cell embryos and we choose to freeze the other two 6-cell embryos. On August 8th, they tested my blood and we found out that neither of the embryos stuck. Once again, I was not pregnant.
The two frozen embryos left over from IVF did not survive the unfreezing process when we tried again a few months later.
By the end of 2006, we were both done. Physically and emotionally. We took time off from thinking about it. And in the beginning of 2007, we decided that we needed to try a new path in order to keep ourselves sane. We began to discuss adoption.
In January of this year, I went nutty with researching adoption. What kind was best for us? International vs. Domestic? Infant vs. Older Child? Foster-Adopt vs. Private? I am horriffically oversimplifying the choices here for the sake of being concise. After lengthy consideration, we decided on international adoption…from Russia. Not long after we paid our deposit to our chosen placement agency, Russia revoked all agency relations and halted all adoptions. This wasn’t the real reason that we pulled up roots though. When we finally received the paperwork from our placement agency, the costs became clearer…to the tune of $45k (including travel and all adoption expenses). Who has that sort of money lying around? We decided that while we wanted a child, we also want to be able to support him/her and while we may be able to scrape together $45k over the next 2 years, would we really want to be in that sort of a financial hole when we bring home our child?
So, once again, it was time to re-think our decisions. Seeing as we had already begun the international homestudy process and were in love with our social worker, we decided to choose a new country to adopt from. Again, more research. By a fluke, we found that our homestudy agency had an unadvertised program for Peru. Although the wait would be long-ish (1-2 years for placement), we would likely be able to adopt an infant (as young as 3-6 months). This was definitely the way to go. We continued our homestudy and began submitting paperwork to the USCIS. At some point over the summer, I got a call from our social worker. She was leaving our agency to persue a new career path, working directly with kids in the system. While I was unbelievably happy for her, I was devastated for us. Our whole “warm fuzzy” feeling from the agency was really due to her. She was our own personal adoption cheerleader.
It was soon after that, sometime during the summer of this year, that we came to a screeching halt with adoption. Neither K nor I spoke about it, but we both just stopped doing adoption stuff. I don’t think that it was intentional. It was just what we did. People kept asking us both where we were in the process. We kept answering that we were “working on it” or that we were “on hold temporarily” or other such excuses. When people would ask, I would feel guilty. I would wonder why I wasn’t “getting around” to my adoption to do list. K and I would joke about it being a sign that we weren’t meant to adopt. But neither of stepped up to the plate to stop the presses…and neither of us seriously asked one another about it either.
While on our August trip to Switzerland and Italy, we finally had some time to really talk. In addition to realizing that we are really bad at our communication skills lately…we also realized that we weren’t ready to proceed with adoption. It was kind of a relief. Not a relief that we weren’t going to adopt…because we may do it someday in the future. But, a relief that we had figured out our answer to the next infertility maze question.
Damn it. Another decision to be made…what to do next? I am so sick and tired of having to make all these damn decisions in order to continue the illusive path to bringing children into our lives.
We began to discuss the idea of a second round of IVF. But, not with any actual fervor. Again, not that we won’t choose to do it some day in the future…but it’s not something that I could deal with right now. I began to research our other options and came across an article about acupuncture. Coincidentally, a co-worker came to me with news of a acupuncturist that she heard about. She has heard all the details of our infertility struggles and she found out about this guy from a friend of a family member. Apparently, the last 7 couples that he has treated have all gotten pregnant! A 100% success rate. I have my first appointment scheduled for this coming Wednesday. We’ll see how it goes.
** Note: If you are reading this and you have not experienced any fertility problems, it may amaze you that I know this date. Do not be alarmed. There is someone nearby you, at this very minute (possibly within shouting distance), who has had similar problems. And I can guarantee you that they would be completely normal in knowing exactly when their journey began.
